Mitten

Dating old people
But now I’m used to thinking
I get paid for this

Also, if you ever want to see me in a tank top without a bra, just deliver anything before 2pm

It’s good to have a boyfriend with a girl’s name because you can pick stuff up for him and they think you’re him and it’s this cute little secret that you have all to yourself because who else would give a shit

I had been single for a while and was pretty lonely and horny, dancing my ass off (I’m a terrible dancer) at a seedy club (“filthy” was in the name) with this slutty roommate of mine. She tells me that her friend has been scoping me out all night. He’s hot. Really hot. Military. We both go to his place because she was banging his roommate, and with less than 50 words spoken start having sex. It was pornish and unfulfilling but you know, not bad. We’re laying down on the mattress on his floor that he apologized for, and he starts telling me about his service in the national guard, and then starts going off on this crazy rant about how Obama is deceiving the public, how he’s a socialist, wasn’t born in the states, etc etc. My vagina turns inside out. I tell him I have to get up early, mentally cursing my promiscuity or at least my screening process.

So the next morning my roommate starts quizzing me about him, asking how big his cock was. I get the feeling she wanted to fuck him but he wasn’t having it. She started moving her hands like, tell me when to stop. I say “sevenish”. He is nicknamed Sevenish for the rest of his life.

He texted me the next morning asking me if I had seen his gun. Not an innuendo, he literally lost his gun. I can’t even. 

We saw each other a few times after, just being in the same bar, same circle. And it was awkward and I should have known then to never fuck another one of her friends but of course I did.

and THAT’S how babies are made

buying car from bf’s ex
keep cleaning up after this bitch

met a cow named beyonce

i want to live a bad life and i’m not even mad about it